Newswoman: The first ever prescription depressant hit the shelves today. Approved by the FDA last month, Despondex is intended as a treatment for the approximately 20 million Americans who are insufferably cheery.
Tests prove the drug is effective at reducing a range of symptoms from squealing loudly when a friend calls to use of the phrase “cool beans” and excessive hugging. Dr. Alban Way calls the drug a huge step forward in the battle against exuberance.
Alban Way: If you’re in a good mood every so often, well, that’s fine. That’s normal. This is for those that have a persistent positive outlook on life.
Newswoman: Eva Hendry of New Haven, Connecticut, began participating in a clinical trial of Despondex six weeks ago.
Eva Hendry: I was always telling people how cute their outfits were and bringing them little gifts. I’d beam at anyone who made eye contact with me. I didn’t realize life didn’t have to be like that.
Newswoman: Eva said she never knew how her annoyingly chipper attitude was affecting those around her.
Eva: Over and over again, I’d ask Jeff to ride his bike down to the botanical garden with me, no matter how many times he said no.
Jeff Hendry: And she was always smiling…
Jeff: …But, I didn’t know what to do to help her.
Eva: I used to think, why am I the only one trying to set up single friends with each other. Now I realize I was sick. I needed treatment.
Newswoman: Eva says the drug may have saved their marriage.
Eva: Now Jeff and I can just waste a night sitting on the couch watching a TV show neither of us enjoys…
Eva: …Like a regular couple.
Newswoman: Not everyone is convinced that Despondex is the cure-all for perkiness, however; In this week’s “Time Magazine”, Michael Michael Pielocik of UCLA argues that many patients get similar results from natural remedies, something as simple as a diet of corn syrup and white bread and a total lack of exercise. But Dr. Way disagrees.
Alban: We have to erase the stigma attached with getting chirpy people help, real medical help. I mean, do you know what it’s like to be around these people? It’s pretty fucking annoying.
Newswoman: Doctors estimate the new drug could reduce the number of costume or theme parties in the U.S. by up to 40%.